Human Relations Competence: Some principles and essential skills for maintaining healthy relationships, ergo, reducing your daily stress...#1

The emotional intelligence factor that separates the narcissist (one who excessively focuses on and admires him/herself) from the rest of us "average" human beings is the ability to demonstrate empathy for another person's experience. Empathy means that you are able to "tune in" to another person's situation, circumstances, motives, feelings. It means that you respect differences and that you have compassion for others. Of course, in the process of tuning in, your attention will not be on yourself or "Hey, what's in this for me?". Instead, if you have empathy, it's all about the other person, at least for the time being. Your listening and attending skills will trump any yearning you have to carry the conversation or "make your point." Your patience and verbal responses will help the other person believe that you are genuine in your concern. Mutual empathy is the one indispensable condition for a quality relationship, and demonstrating empathy is the indispensable skill for successful workplace and classroom relationships.

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 2-6-06

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Human Relations Competence: Principles and Skills for maintaining healthy relationships in the classroom and in the workplace...

Toni Morrison says, "when a child walks into a room, he immediately knows where he stands with you. Does he see your face light up with joy at being in his presence, or does he see you looking at him with a critical eye"? Well, guess what! Adults (students and co-workers) have the same initial response to non-verbal communication from others, as do children. If a student or colleague walks into your office or work area, hoping to talk with you about something, do you keep your head down and continue your work, or do you greet the person as if he/she really matters? If you pass someone in the hall, do you nod and smile or do you look straight ahead as if the person is invisible? Some of us think that the other person should always make the first "friendly" overture. Imagine what would happen, if we all took that stance. Affirmatively acknowledging someone's existence works wonders in maintaining a relationship. Instead of thinking, "I don't have time for this"...say to yourself, "I can spare five minutes to demonstrate my respect for this student or colleague." If you need more persuasion to be affirmatively civil, just think of how much you enjoy being positively acknowledged by others.

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 2-14-06

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Human Relations Principles / Skills
Ombudsman Observations

You cannot see your own behavior...and others see your behavior in the context of their own life experiences and projections. SO, WHO DO YOU TRUST FOR PERSONAL FEEDBACK? We literally cannot "see" ourselves, so to depend solely on how we "think" others see us, or on some kind of self-image each of us has concocted, can not only be deceiving; it can damage our workplace/classroom relationships. If I am fortunate enough to have regular contact with an assertive, sensitive and observant friend, then that friend's perceptions of me are invaluable. If I have the opportunity to engage in some assessments related to personality, attitude, locus of control, etc., that information can also be useful in getting a more accurate picture of myself. On the other hand, it is common knowledge that others will likely view our behavior through their personal filters, and their distorted perceptual frameworks. (For example, I may take an immediate dislike to you because unknown to both of us, you physically resemble my Aunt Louise, who was an unhappy, overbearing, generally unpleasant person in my early life...or, again unknown to both of us, and because I am constantly fighting my own insecurities, I might quickly spot your insecurity, and decide, erroneously, that you are not reliable.) So, if we can't trust our self-perceptions or the distorted perceptions of others, what are we to do? As always, the best answer is to work toward a balanced view of how you see yourself and how others see you. Don't ever rely totally on someone's perception of you, and don't ever totally reject that perception. Leave yourself open to feedback from those you respect, and even from those you don't respect, but temper that feedback with what you have learned and will continue to learn about your behavior and the behavior of others.

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 2-20-06

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Human Relations Principles / Skills
Ombudsman Observations

Self-esteem, self-esteem, whatever does it really mean? Hopefully, it doesn't mean having the ability to write bad poetry. The term itself is one that had great significance until the last couple of decades when it began to be overused and abused. I suspect that even on our campus, we could get some pretty good arguments going about what self-esteem is and is not. Everyone who is anyone in the "helping" professions or in the ranks of "self-help" gurus, has his/her own definition of self-esteem. The one that appeals to me the most is Nathaniel Brandon's one-liner. Brandon says that "self-esteem is the reputation we have with ourselves." This says to me that my self-esteem cannot be dependent on what others think of me, say to me, or say to others about me. As my friend, mentor or teacher, all you can do is to assist in creating an environment where I am respected as a human being. You can also invite me to look at my strengths, and to imagine possibilities. After that, my self-esteem, or reputation with myself is dependent totally on my own work ethic, internal motivation and personal achievements. Every small personal or professional accomplishment, every forward step, every milestone builds a momentum that will inevitably contribute to my self-esteem. Your encouragement and appreciation is helpful, but only my individual effort can build the reputation for myself that I want...the one that Brandon had in mind.

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 2-27-06

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Human Relations Principles / Skills
Ombudsman Observations

As you may have guessed by now, most of these observations are whimsical, in terms of selecting a topic of the week. Usually, it depends on something a client, colleague or student has mentioned to me in the course of my problem-solving work.

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This week, several people have mentioned their concerns about some students' self-righteous attitudes of "entitlement" without the "responsibility ethic" that we typically hope will accompany such an attitude. I have also received questions about similar attitudes of some staff members, so obviously this is another one of those "human" problems that is not restricted to a particular group of our college community. If you want a person to change his/her attitude, there is really nothing specific YOU can do to cause this change; remember that the only behavior over which you have any control, is your own. So, pay attention to how you approach the student/staff person; choose the behavior that will leave you feeling positive about yourself. I would think that your chosen behavior would be respectful, low-key, informed and positive. You want to invite and demonstrate an expectation for cooperation, not resistance. Try using the old martial arts approach to aggression, i.e., flowing with an aggressor's strength, until the opportunity occurs to turn it toward a good end. This kind of encounter is not and never should be a power struggle. Another interesting and disarming approach might be to initiate the conversation with a positive observation about the person's diligence, computer skills, focus, talents, persistence, or whatever fits the situation. Enjoy the challenge of trying to touch the person's humanity. We all have it in there somewhere; ...and of course, a useful and more humble strategy that I always consider is to recall how I can be enticed to modify my own self-righteous attitude and behavior.

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 3-7-06

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Human Relations Principles / Skills
Ombudsman Observations

Email is a very convenient way to communicate with one person or a group of persons. It is easy, fast and you only have to respond when and if you choose. Email also presents the possibility of seriously damaging work or classroom relationships, if used in ways that are inappropriate or abusive. For some reason, we tend to forget that there is a real person on the receiving end of our emails, and therefore it becomes very easy to objectify the email recipient, and say things that we would never say if we were face to face. It amazes me to think of the frequent conflicts that have occurred due to emails that are perceived to be rude, abrupt, discourteous, thoughtless or sometimes, even insulting. The sender and the receiver of an email have nothing but the printed words to process. There are no non-verbals to complement and elaborate on the meaning that might or might not be conveyed. In other words, using email affords us less than 50% of the full human communication process. With email, we don't even have the voice tone and inflection that is available to us on the phone. I have also dealt with staff and students who came into possession of emails where they were the subjects of gossip, or cruel criticism, or "inconsiderate" honesty. For your information, some of the email "targets" even collect and save these messages in order to document "unfair" treatment. In addition to an organizational expectation for civility, there are two important "official" reasons to avoid unprofessional or unethical abuses of email. First, the contents of our work computers are actually the legal property of our employer. I like to assume that DCCCD would never intrude on our email privacy, but, it is useful to remember that they have that legal and ethical right, if deemed necessary to protect the organization. Secondly, it is wise to remember that any computer files can be subpoenaed, if a judge decides they are relevant to a lawsuit or other legal proceeding. Here are a few suggestions for the prudent use of email at work: Use email only for communicating business-related information or for positive feedback to someone; 2) Never use email for criticizing, demeaning, or otherwise denigrating the work or persona of anyone; 3) Never use email to engage in arguments or debates about any colleague, student or work activity; 4) Do not assume that any email message will be private...many supervisors and others have proxy users who access their email, and hard-copy it for the recipients; 5) Do not use email when you are angry or frustrated.

Please excuse the length of this message. I promise that future messages will be less verbose, but I really want to underscore the damage that can be done in the workplace by thoughtless emails. Bettie.

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 3-22-06

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Human Relations Principles / Skills
Ombudsman Observations

"A trustworthy person is one who makes and keeps commitments." I can't remember where this definition originated, but I really find it meaningful. It says it all, in terms of reliability, dependability, and honesty...the attributes we usually assign to someone we trust. If I want my friends, colleagues and classmates to trust me, then I must be able to generously but prudently make commitments of time, energy, and attention to their needs. I must be able to see outside of myself and to think about the greater good of the person, work group, learning group or other community. If I don't keep commitments, once I make them, then my reputation for trustworthiness quickly diminishes. Most of us will make mistakes occasionally, and have to renege on a commitment, but if that becomes a habit, no-one will rely on us for anything of significance. That brings us to the other side of the trustworthiness coin. We must be able to forgive and to give second or even third chances to anyone who appears to have violated our trust. We are, after all, the same frail human beings who typically misjudge, misinterpret, misperceive, and overestimate about 50% of the time. It is also very likely that organizational or bureaucratic dictums might intrude to cause unanticipated changes in personal commitments. Knowing this, our generosity must also come into play when assessing another person's trustworthiness. In the end, if we freely share information, respond honestly to questions, and acknowledge the imperfections of ourselves and of our organization, then we should be able to build and maintain trusting relationships in our workplaces.

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 3-30-06

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Human Relations Principles / Skills
Ombudsman Observations

Based on my experiences this week, there are about 25 topics I could choose to address. I have learned, however, that when issues and problems are too complex or overwhelming, the best move is to retreat into simplicity. So, today, I offer this paraphrase of a quote by Maya Angelou: "The most underused words in our vocabularies are 'please' and 'thank you', and our humanity suffers from such negligence." What a difference it makes in the quality of our requests to others, and the conclusions to our many transactions/interactions with students, co-workers, supervisors, even family members. Whether I am giving or receiving the sentiments, both of these civilized words brighten up the moment, and add some warmth to my environment. Try it, you'll like it!

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 4-7-06

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Human Relations Principles / Skills
Ombudsman Observations

Unity of purpose and a commitment to similar human values are the tenets that form the core of good work relationships. Dysfunctional work relationships feed on suspicion, doubt, and lack of faith in one another. The surprise to some people is that we are all equally responsible when ineffective communication and negative relationships exist in the workplace. Likewise, we are all responsible for making things better. It is easy for me to blame a poor relationship on my supervisor or on my employee or on my co-worker because then I won't have to do my part in correcting the situation. My preference is to think positively, act assertively, give everyone second chances, and never assume that I know what anyone is thinking. My selfish motive is that I want a friendly, cooperative, exciting and collegial work environment, where we actually care for one another, our students and the quality of our collective work.

Solidarity, what wonderful word!

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 4-17-06

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Human Relations Principles / Skills
Ombudsman Observations

What are we to do when a client, student or co-worker comes in with an arrogant, supercilious attitude...demanding immediate and sometimes unreasonable service? First, I would want to resist my initial impulse, which would be to tell the rude person that he/she should go home to mama, learn some manners and come back later with a new attitude. Then I would remind myself that everyone who enters this office is deserving of my attention and assistance, in spite of his/her personality or negativity. Short-term transactional relationships do not require the same kind of balance, equity and power-sharing that hopefully characterize our long-term, healthy relationships. In fact, the objective should probably be to serve the client/student/co-worker with aplomb and patience, modeling for everyone our high-levels of interpersonal competence. Never allow yourself to sink to the level of the offending person, or you will have become one of them. Personal dignity goes a long way toward blunting bully behavior. One last point about facing a super-critic is to see the merit in adhering to the principle, "in every criticism received, there is usually at least a grain of truth." If our egos allow us to look at these grains, we can often improve our service, without sacrificing any self-esteem.

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 4-23-06

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Human Relations Principles / Skills
Ombudsman Observations

Every message I have seen or heard from our new Chancellor has included comments about the need for DCCCD workgroups to be characterized by trust, integrity, honesty, community, mutual respect, collaboration, and other similar qualities. I think we all applaud the pathway he has chosen, and would like to work in such an organization, and yet, at one time or another, most of us have experienced working in an unpleasant environment where trust was minimal, if it existed at all. So, how do we get from there to our desired state of a trustworthy organization and trustworthy colleagues? How do we even agree on a common meaning of the word, "trustworthy"? There are ways to arrive at that meaning, but I think that our best bet is to begin with the basic idea of developing and/or re-building relational trust. Trusting relationships in the workplace do not require that we become best friends, or that we hang out together. They do require all concerned to be involved in fully knowing, openly discussing, freely negotiating and then, willingly agreeing to meet each other's overt and covert expectations. Most damaged relationships, even in our personal lives, are the result of short-cutting this process. Most "good" relationships could get better if we use this process. Without this process, we begin making erroneous assumptions, resenting "imposed" agendas, questioning motives, and wondering what went wrong. The relational trust-building process must be intentional and initially, it requires a real time commitment. These important conversations cannot take place in the hall, or the workroom, or even over lunch...and obviously, the covert expectations will be the hardest to discover, and the most difficult to discuss. If you want more information about how to begin the relational trust-building process, just let me know. Otherwise, try it on your own. If you do it with consideration, no harm can be done.

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 9-1-06

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Human Relations Principles / Skills
Ombudsman Observations

Here are some more thoughts on expectations and relational trust:

Sometimes, we have worked together just long enough to make assumptions about each other's behavior. These assumptions can turn into positive or negative expectations. If I am typically very verbal in our meetings, then you begin to expect that I will continue that behavior forever. If I am typically appearing to be bored, amused or disinterested, then you begin to expect that I will continue that behavior forever. If I am known to be a critic, cynic or pessimist, then you will come to expect that attitude and those behaviors from me. If I am consistently helpful to others, or always uncooperative, you will label me as such and respond to me as if that behavior is who I really am. Often, when we have chosen roles/behaviors such as those above, it becomes very difficult to rise above them, even if our perspectives, moods, attitudes have changed. Wouldn't it be fun to radically alter a group's dynamics by behaving in new ways that are contrary to our "reputations?" What if I chose to be helpful, positive, or thoughtful? What if I decided to be less critical and more constructive, more upbeat and less moody? Suppose I chose to affirm others by acknowledging their existence instead of waiting for them to make the first move? If you try making similar changes, there is no guarantee that your colleagues will respond in ways that you prefer. You know that you have no control over anyone else's behavior. I can guarantee, however, that you will feel more at ease once you know that circumstances and other people cannot cause you to behave in ways that you would choose for yourself. You always have the power of choosing your behavior...and therefore the power of creating better expectations.

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 10-10-06

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Human Relations Principles / Skills
Quiet: An Essential Condition for Repairing Relationships

Whether we are faculty members, administrators or professional support staff persons, we will occasionally experience undue stress or tension in our work relationships. The fast pace, high standards and ambiguous expectations of our workplaces can pile on to our natural personal differences, creating the perfect storm for escalation of arguments or accumulation of resentments. Most of these storms are minor, and by using common sense and forgiveness, we manage to work things out in a way that may ultimately not only repair, but even improve relationships. Some, however, spiral downward to a point of no return.

To avoid this unhealthy outcome, I am suggesting today that we consider allowing QUIET to become our first line response to any perceived slight, insult, neglect, or inequity. By no means am I suggesting a lack of assertiveness on anyone's part; to the contrary, I am suggesting QUIET as a way to remember the tenets of assertiveness. QUIET time can be a temporary holding cell for our fight or flight impulses. A brief period of QUIET gives our common sense time to emerge. A few seconds of QUIET will give us the opportunity to be totally curious about our antagonists, perhaps seeing causes or reasons for their behavior. A moment of QUIET will help us to recall and act on our relaxation mantras, if we have them. Most importantly, QUIET, when applied to voice tone... or, in the case of email, word tone... enables us to confront differences in very civil, respectful ways. If we cannot do this as we go along in our daily interactions, there is little hope of rebuilding and maintaining damaged work relationships.

So...why not experiment with a pause, some QUIET, and a realistic hope for reconciliation?

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 2-20-07

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Human Relations Principles / Skills
Quiet: An Essential Condition for Repairing Relationships

Several years ago, Studs Terkel wrote a brief essay about his concept of "affirmative civility." I don't have a copy of the actual essay, but I remember its essence. To paraphrase from memory, Studs said that the main thing a person wants from other people is acknowledgment of his/her existence. As reasonably intelligent people, we all know that without that regular acknowledgment, our hearts and minds sink into isolation and loneliness...causing emotionally stable people to feel sad, depressed, and angry. Those who are unstable, like the Virginia Tech. shooter, could and sometimes do resort to desperate measures of revenge or of self-destruction. There is a very simple but elegant way to begin creating an environment where our DCCCD students and staff could feel less alone and more connected. Let's all try to take the initiative in extending a friendly overture to everyone who passes us in the halls, rides with us in the elevators, stands with us in lines, sits beside us in meetings or classes, or who confronts us with problems at our counters, in our offices, in our classrooms. Some welcome overtures would be smiling, nodding, shaking hands, asking a friendly question, high-fiveing, offering a generic greeting such as "hey", " what's happening", etc. The key to affirmative civility is that each of us is willing to assume responsibility for making the first move...not waiting for someone else to speak first or smile first. Another important piece is to overcome the shyness associated with extending yourself to people who might not make eye contact, or who are totally immersed in their ipods or cellphones. It is always a surprise to see a person who looks unfriendly or even surly, suddenly coming to life when you insist on acknowledging his/her presence. The most difficult part of being affirmatively civil is that you make a choice to behave this way without expecting anything in return. This is the only way it will work. Simple and elegant...try it, you'll like it.

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 4-23-07

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Human Relations Memo
Forgiveness in the Workplace

I know that for some of you, this topic might sound too soft, too touchy-feely to capture your interest, but I am asking that you give me a break and read this...and perhaps even respond. In the communication work I do, the greatest barrier I see to healthy work relationships is the inability to get beyond what we perceive to be personal slights, unjust criticisms, thoughtless oversights, mean-spirited comments/behaviors, competitive put-downs, rudeness, disrespect, etc., just like relationship problems in the real world. How many times have you heard co-workers say things like, "did you hear the tone of his voice? Why is she yelling at me? Why are you looking at me like that?"

On the other hand, often without realizing it, we really do hurt or insult people, and, much to my dismay, there really are a few bully personality types out there who do it on purpose. When that kind of behavior happens, resentments may accumulate, grudges begin, and passive-aggressive behavior often becomes the mode of choice. I have a suggestion for a different and more effective response on your part, i.e., an act of forgiveness. What I am talking about is not a "turn the other cheek" or "forgive them their sins" kind of forgiveness. I am suggesting that you choose to reject the toxic feelings of anger and resentment that tend to accompany a state of unrequited vengeance. Aggressors count on your anger to cause mirroring of their negative behavior, thus beginning ESCALATION.

Forgiveness allows you the choice of devoting inordinate amounts of time and energy trying to change someone or not, and asserts your personal power in a way that does no harm to the aggressor, but does thwart his need for escalation. You can forgive, but not forget the transgression, because now you are aware of possible recurring negative behaviors. Once an aggressive person realizes that you are "on to her/him", and that you will not tolerate manipulation attempts, that person is likely to cease and desist...probably moving on to a more naïve target, but hopefully to more productive behaviors.

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College

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Human Relations Memo
Expectations and Norms... Part 3

We are very fortunate to be working for an organization that has allowed and continues to encourage the evolution of a culture that is both egalitarian and relationship-intensive. As students and staff, we all have the right to be treated respectfully, and we are all expected to treat others with respect. The quality relationships that we develop in our classrooms and workplaces provide the foundation for trust and collaboration, and certainly add to the pleasure of our vocations.

• Our egalitarian culture invites all of us to speak honestly, listen from the heart, and respectfully use our influence to achieve personal, workgroup, college and district goals.
• Our culture invites us to clearly define and negotiate expectations that we have for one another.
• Our culture expects us to seriously consider suggestions from students and workgroup members, knowing that in the end, the teacher/leader/supervisor is accountable for classroom or workgroup success.
• Our culture expects us to support and be willing to try a leader's way of getting things done, even if I'm sure that my way is better.
• Our culture invites us to practice fairness, equity, kindness and helpfulness with all of our colleagues and students.

I am really proud of our culture and our people in the DCCCD, so I probably have neglected important discussions about the shadow side of egalitarianism. I recently talked with a couple of people, however, who had been disappointed by what they saw as unilateral or arbitrary decision-making in their workplaces. Here are reminders about some erroneous assumptions that could emerge from our culture.

An egalitarian and relationship-intensive culture is sometimes misperceived as being a democracy, wherein every decision is voted on by all stakeholders, and the majority rules. This is not a realistic expectation, and will never be the case in our organization. When defining expectations, there are always a few "non-negotiables."

An example of a non-negotiable is the fact that DCCCD leaders and supervisors have the prerogative, and indeed, the obligation to set parameters and create ground rules. Successful leaders with common sense will surely consult with everyone involved, but if consensus does not occur, then final authority rests with the teacher/leader.

A common misperception in a relationship-intensive organization is that if a colleague or supervisor really "listens" to my idea or suggestion, then surely it will be implemented. Listening fully does not translate into agreement or commitment. It simply means that you were heard by the listener.

We really have a good thing going with our DCCCD culture, so let's enjoy it fully, and try not to set ourselves up for disappointment by having unrealistic expectations.

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College

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Human Relations Memo
Contagious Feeling States
(Observations from DCCCD Chancellor's Office Ombudsman, Dr. Bettie Tully)

I read an article in the NY Times this morning reporting on several studies concerning the effect of our emotional states on others in close proximity. This is certainly not a counter-intuitive idea. In fact, our intuition has always told us that "feeling states" are contagious. If I appear to be happy or satisfied, it is likely that others around me will be positively influenced by my demeanor. If I am unhappy or clearly stressed out, then the feeling states of others within my sphere of influence could be negatively impacted.

The implications of this common and observable dynamic are dramatic, to say the least. Does this mean that my co-workers will feel better or worse, depending on my mood? Does this mean that students and staff who are our clients/customers can see the relationships behind the counter or across the desk as a barometer for the level of service they will be receiving? If a supervisor is disturbed by the activity of a staff member, and criticizes or reprimands in front of others, will this affect the feeling states of those waiting in line to be served? Does this mean that the way we treat each other as colleagues will set the tone for service to students? The answers to these questions are Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes.

So, what can I do when I am feeling stressed and frustrated, but still must try and be helpful to others? Obviously, you know yourself better than anyone, and probably have your individualized antidotes for stress. I am going to list a few principles to consider as you continue learning about how you can best control your reaction to stress, which will determine the physical and emotional impact on you, as well as those around you.

• You cannot see your own behavior, so ask trusted friends and colleagues for honest feedback.
• The only behavior over which you have control is your own, so don't give that control away to a manipulator or bully.
• No one enjoys working with cynics, critics or pessimists.
• For every criticism received, there is usually at least a grain of truth to consider.
• Short term relationships (clients and customers) do not require the same balance/equality as personal relationships, so feel free to be deferential to one and all.
• Honesty without consideration is simply another form of aggressive behavior.
• Maya Angelou says that the two most eloquent words in any language are 'please' and 'thank you'. If these words are spoken genuinely and regularly, it is unlikely that contagious stress will prevail.

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College

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Human Relations Memo
Ombudsman Approaches to Problem-Solving and Informal Complaint Resolution

• Many DCCCD staff members (faculty, professional support staff, administrators) visit the Ombudsman office for consultation and/or advice regarding workplace issues, policies and procedures, organizational culture, human relations principles, conflict resolution and leadership practices. The Ombudsman office is a good place to come for discussions about dealing with any kind of perceived or real harassment. These conversations are totally confidential, informal and geared to helping an individual make choices that are best for him/her. The Ombudsman experience can also provide a sounding board for any person who is seeking relief from undue job stress.
• Supervisors often visit the Ombudsman office to discuss better ways to help employees who might be struggling with work relationships or other workplace problems. On the other hand, some employees might come to the office for tips about how to get along with a "difficult" supervisor. In all such cases, the emphasis is on what I can do or how I can change to facilitate a solution, not on how I can make the other person change.
• A major function of the Ombudsman office is to provide "no-fault" facilitation of difficult conversations, and if need be, to provide mediation between and among colleagues, co-workers, supervisors and staff. These sessions are always conducted with expectations of civility, mutual respect, and openness to common-ground solutions. The intended outcome is to improve work relationships so that all concerned can minimize anxiety and better enjoy their work.
• Most visitors to the Ombudsman Office are self-referrals; some are referred by colleagues or supervisors. All visits are voluntary and no one can be "ordered" to visit the Ombudsman.
• The Ombudsman Service is available to all employees of El Centro College, District Office at 1601 Lamar, and District Service Center. College Presidents and other Chancellor Advisory Group members also have access to this service. Some locations have on-site facilitators who are available to staff, but if external assistance better fits the situation, then it is available through the Ombudsman Office.
• For more information or to make an appointment, call Bettie Tully at 214.860.2105 or contact her via email (Internal Groupwise name, Bettie Tully) or btully@dcccd.edu.

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College

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Self-Righteousness...
The Ultimate Communication Barrier

As human beings, we are very clever when it comes to creating communication barriers. We do this out of self-defense and against our better judgment...but fear of "losing" often manages to trump our common sense.

The ultimate communication barrier arises from self-righteous decision-making and related behaviors. If I know that I am right, then there is no room for negotiation or any other kind of productive communication. If I am right, then you must be wrong, and I will not be open to considering your constructive feedback.

Sadly, a self-righteous person does not have authentic, trusting relationships; she can only have relationships with those who agree fully with her perspectives and positions on debatable issues.

As members of a "learning" organization, it would seem that we might want to abandon our self-righteous attitudes and instead, respectfully learn from the different opinions/observations of our many colleagues. Our work lives would immediately become more interesting, to say the least.

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 2009

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Assertive Behavior
An Antidote for Aggression (Part 1)

As we all know, there is no magic pill that can empower us to deal effectively with an aggressive student, colleague, client or supervisor. There is a way, however, to stand up for our rights without infringing upon the rights of others.

An aggressive person hopes to entice his/her target into also behaving aggressively, thus contributing to the escalation of an unpleasant, unproductive argument. S/he may do this by using various "bullying" techniques like interrupting, raising his/her voice, casting aspersions or making threats. Another aggressive technique frequently exercised in academia, is one that consists of presenting overwhelming verbal "evidence" to support an opinion or action, without regard for its emotional impact on the other person.

The aggressor always wants us to believe that options are limited to either mutual escalation or passive submission to his/her demands, and this might work unless we are aware of a third option...the power of assertiveness.

Some of the tools available to a person who wants to behave assertively are:

• Patience...allow the aggressor to continue a tirade or monologue until the effort expends all of his energy; you will then be able to respond calmly, slowly, and firmly.
• Curiosity...allow yourself to be totally curious about this person's irrational need to dominate or be the winner; you will then be able to see beyond the bluster and hostility to the aggressor's fears and insecurities.
• Reflection...let yourself identify the feelings behind the aggressor's actions and verbalize your observations to him/her.
• Own and acknowledge the small piece of a generalized criticism that may be true, without accepting the comprehensive disparagement.

Finally, don't ever fall for the "I'm just telling it like it is..." line. Honesty without consideration is simply another form of aggression.

As Part 2 of this human relations memo, I am sending a grid that compares non-assertive, assertive and aggressive behaviors. I hope you will find it useful.

Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 2009