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Memo #1: Empathy Human Relations Competence: Some principles and essential skills for maintaining healthy relationships, ergo, reducing your daily stress…#1 The emotional intelligence factor that separates the narcissist (one who excessively focuses on and admires him/herself) from the rest of us "average" human beings is the ability to demonstrate empathy for another person’s experience. Empathy means that you are able to "tune in" to another person’s situation, circumstances, motives, feelings. It means that you respect differences and that you have compassion for others. Of course, in the process of tuning in, your attention will not be on yourself or "Hey, what’s in this for me?". Instead, if you have empathy, it’s all about the other person, at least for the time being. Your listening and attending skills will trump any yearning you have to carry the conversation or "make your point." Your patience and verbal responses will help the other person believe that you are genuine in your concern. Mutual empathy is the one indispensable condition for a quality relationship, and demonstrating empathy is the indispensable skill for successful workplace and classroom relationships. Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 2-6-06 Memo #2: Affirm Others Human Relations Competence: Principles and Skills for maintaining healthy relationships in the classroom and in the workplace... Toni Morrison says, "when a child walks into a room, he immediately knows where he stands with you. Does he see your face light up with joy at being in his presence, or does he see you looking at him with a critical eye"? Well, guess what! Adults (students and co-workers) have the same initial response to non-verbal communication from others, as do children. If a student or colleague walks into your office or work area, hoping to talk with you about something, do you keep your head down and continue your work, or do you greet the person as if he/she really matters? If you pass someone in the hall, do you nod and smile or do you look straight ahead as if the person is invisible? Some of us think that the other person should always make the first "friendly" overture. Imagine what would happen, if we all took that stance. Affirmatively acknowledging someone’s existence works wonders in maintaining a relationship. Instead of thinking, "I don’t have time for this"…say to yourself, "I can spare five minutes to demonstrate my respect for this student or colleague." If you need more persuasion to be affirmatively civil, just think of how much you enjoy being positively acknowledged by others. Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 2-14-06 Memo #3: Seeing Yourself as Others See You Human Relations Principles / Skills Ombudsman Observations You cannot see your own behavior…and others see your behavior in the context of their own life experiences and projections. SO, WHO DO YOU TRUST FOR PERSONAL FEEDBACK? We literally cannot "see" ourselves, so to depend solely on how we "think" others see us, or on some kind of self-image each of us has concocted, can not only be deceiving; it can damage our workplace/classroom relationships. If I am fortunate enough to have regular contact with an assertive, sensitive and observant friend, then that friend’s perceptions of me are invaluable. If I have the opportunity to engage in some assessments related to personality, attitude, locus of control, etc., that information can also be useful in getting a more accurate picture of myself. On the other hand, it is common knowledge that others will likely view our behavior through their personal filters, and their distorted perceptual frameworks. (For example, I may take an immediate dislike to you because unknown to both of us, you physically resemble my Aunt Louise, who was an unhappy, overbearing, generally unpleasant person in my early life…or, again unknown to both of us, and because I am constantly fighting my own insecurities, I might quickly spot your insecurity, and decide, erroneously, that you are not reliable.) So, if we can’t trust our self-perceptions or the distorted perceptions of others, what are we to do? As always, the best answer is to work toward a balanced view of how you see yourself and how others see you. Don’t ever rely totally on someone’s perception of you, and don’t ever totally reject that perception. Leave yourself open to feedback from those you respect, and even from those you don’t respect, but temper that feedback with what you have learned and will continue to learn about your behavior and the behavior of others. Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 2-20-06 Memo #4: Self-Esteem Human Relations Principles / Skills Ombudsman Observations Self-esteem, self-esteem, whatever does it really mean? Hopefully, it doesn’t mean having the ability to write bad poetry. The term itself is one that had great significance until the last couple of decades when it began to be overused and abused. I suspect that even on our campus, we could get some pretty good arguments going about what self-esteem is and is not. Everyone who is anyone in the "helping" professions or in the ranks of "self-help" gurus, has his/her own definition of self-esteem. The one that appeals to me the most is Nathaniel Brandon’s one-liner. Brandon says that "self-esteem is the reputation we have with ourselves." This says to me that my self-esteem cannot be dependent on what others think of me, say to me, or say to others about me. As my friend, mentor or teacher, all you can do is to assist in creating an environment where I am respected as a human being. You can also invite me to look at my strengths, and to imagine possibilities. After that, my self-esteem, or reputation with myself is dependent totally on my own work ethic, internal motivation and personal achievements. Every small personal or professional accomplishment, every forward step, every milestone builds a momentum that will inevitably contribute to my self-esteem. Your encouragement and appreciation is helpful, but only my individual effort can build the reputation for myself that I want…the one that Brandon had in mind. Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 2-27-06 Memo #5: Entitlement Attitude Human Relations Principles / Skills Ombudsman Observations As you may have guessed by now, most of these observations are whimsical, in terms of selecting a topic of the week. Usually, it depends on something a client, colleague or student has mentioned to me in the course of my problem-solving work. This week, several people have mentioned their concerns about some students’ self-righteous attitudes of "entitlement" without the "responsibility ethic" that we typically hope will accompany such an attitude. I have also received questions about similar attitudes of some staff members, so obviously this is another one of those "human" problems that is not restricted to a particular group of our college community. If you want a person to change his/her attitude, there is really nothing specific YOU can do to cause this change; remember that the only behavior over which you have any control, is your own. So, pay attention to how you approach the student/staff person; choose the behavior that will leave you feeling positive about yourself. I would think that your chosen behavior would be respectful, low-key, informed and positive. You want to invite and demonstrate an expectation for cooperation, not resistance. Try using the old martial arts approach to aggression, i.e., flowing with an aggressor’s strength, until the opportunity occurs to turn it toward a good end. This kind of encounter is not and never should be a power struggle. Another interesting and disarming approach might be to initiate the conversation with a positive observation about the person’s diligence, computer skills, focus, talents, persistence, or whatever fits the situation. Enjoy the challenge of trying to touch the person’s humanity. We all have it in there somewhere; …and of course, a useful and more humble strategy that I always consider is to recall how I can be enticed to modify my own self-righteous attitude and behavior. Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 3-7-06 Memo #6: Email Human Relations Principles / Skills Ombudsman Observations Email is a very convenient way to communicate with one person or a group of persons. It is easy, fast and you only have to respond when and if you choose. Email also presents the possibility of seriously damaging work or classroom relationships, if used in ways that are inappropriate or abusive. For some reason, we tend to forget that there is a real person on the receiving end of our emails, and therefore it becomes very easy to objectify the email recipient, and say things that we would never say if we were face to face. It amazes me to think of the frequent conflicts that have occurred due to emails that are perceived to be rude, abrupt, discourteous, thoughtless or sometimes, even insulting. The sender and the receiver of an email have nothing but the printed words to process. There are no non-verbals to complement and elaborate on the meaning that might or might not be conveyed. In other words, using email affords us less than 50% of the full human communication process. With email, we don’t even have the voice tone and inflection that is available to us on the phone. I have also dealt with staff and students who came into possession of emails where they were the subjects of gossip, or cruel criticism, or "inconsiderate" honesty. For your information, some of the email "targets" even collect and save these messages in order to document "unfair" treatment. In addition to an organizational expectation for civility, there are two important "official" reasons to avoid unprofessional or unethical abuses of email. First, the contents of our work computers are actually the legal property of our employer. I like to assume that DCCCD would never intrude on our email privacy, but, it is useful to remember that they have that legal and ethical right, if deemed necessary to protect the organization. Secondly, it is wise to remember that any computer files can be subpoenaed, if a judge decides they are relevant to a lawsuit or other legal proceeding. Here are a few suggestions for the prudent use of email at work: Use email only for communicating business-related information or for positive feedback to someone; 2) Never use email for criticizing, demeaning, or otherwise denigrating the work or persona of anyone; 3) Never use email to engage in arguments or debates about any colleague, student or work activity; 4) Do not assume that any email message will be private…many supervisors and others have proxy users who access their email, and hard-copy it for the recipients; 5) Do not use email when you are angry or frustrated. Please excuse the length of this message. I promise that future messages will be less verbose, but I really want to underscore the damage that can be done in the workplace by thoughtless emails. Bettie. Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 3-22-06 Memo #7: Trustworthiness Human Relations Principles / Skills Ombudsman Observations "A trustworthy person is one who makes and keeps commitments." I can’t remember where this definition originated, but I really find it meaningful. It says it all, in terms of reliability, dependability, and honesty…the attributes we usually assign to someone we trust. If I want my friends, colleagues and classmates to trust me, then I must be able to generously but prudently make commitments of time, energy, and attention to their needs. I must be able to see outside of myself and to think about the greater good of the person, work group, learning group or other community. If I don’t keep commitments, once I make them, then my reputation for trustworthiness quickly diminishes. Most of us will make mistakes occasionally, and have to renege on a commitment, but if that becomes a habit, no-one will rely on us for anything of significance. That brings us to the other side of the trustworthiness coin. We must be able to forgive and to give second or even third chances to anyone who appears to have violated our trust. We are, after all, the same frail human beings who typically misjudge, misinterpret, misperceive, and overestimate about 50% of the time. It is also very likely that organizational or bureaucratic dictums might intrude to cause unanticipated changes in personal commitments. Knowing this, our generosity must also come into play when assessing another person’s trustworthiness. In the end, if we freely share information, respond honestly to questions, and acknowledge the imperfections of ourselves and of our organization, then we should be able to build and maintain trusting relationships in our workplaces. Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 3-30-06 Memo #8: Please and Thank You Human Relations Principles / Skills Ombudsman Observations Based on my experiences this week, there are about 25 topics I could choose to address. I have learned, however, that when issues and problems are too complex or overwhelming, the best move is to retreat into simplicity. So, today, I offer this paraphrase of a quote by Maya Angelou: "The most underused words in our vocabularies are 'please' and 'thank you', and our humanity suffers from such negligence." What a difference it makes in the quality of our requests to others, and the conclusions to our many transactions/interactions with students, co-workers, supervisors, even family members. Whether I am giving or receiving the sentiments, both of these civilized words brighten up the moment, and add some warmth to my environment. Try it, you’ll like it! Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 4-7-06 Memo #9: Solidarity…what a wonderful word! Human Relations Principles / Skills Ombudsman Observations Unity of purpose and a commitment to similar human values are the tenets that form the core of good work relationships. Dysfunctional work relationships feed on suspicion, doubt, and lack of faith in one another. The surprise to some people is that we are all equally responsible when ineffective communication and negative relationships exist in the workplace. Likewise, we are all responsible for making things better. It is easy for me to blame a poor relationship on my supervisor or on my employee or on my co-worker because then I won’t have to do my part in correcting the situation. My preference is to think positively, act assertively, give everyone second chances, and never assume that I know what anyone is thinking. My selfish motive is that I want a friendly, cooperative, exciting and collegial work environment, where we actually care for one another, our students and the quality of our collective work. Solidarity, what wonderful word! Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 4-17-06 Memo #10: Good Service Human Relations Principles / Skills Ombudsman Observations What are we to do when a client, student or co-worker comes in with an arrogant, supercilious attitude…demanding immediate and sometimes unreasonable service? First, I would want to resist my initial impulse, which would be to tell the rude person that he/she should go home to mama, learn some manners and come back later with a new attitude. Then I would remind myself that everyone who enters this office is deserving of my attention and assistance, in spite of his/her personality or negativity. Short-term transactional relationships do not require the same kind of balance, equity and power-sharing that hopefully characterize our long-term, healthy relationships. In fact, the objective should probably be to serve the client/student/co-worker with aplomb and patience, modeling for everyone our high-levels of interpersonal competence. Never allow yourself to sink to the level of the offending person, or you will have become one of them. Personal dignity goes a long way toward blunting bully behavior. One last point about facing a super-critic is to see the merit in adhering to the principle, “in every criticism received, there is usually at least a grain of truth.” If our egos allow us to look at these grains, we can often improve our service, without sacrificing any self-esteem. Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 4-23-06 Memo #11: Trust Human Relations Principles / Skills Ombudsman Observations Every message I have seen or heard from our new Chancellor has included comments about the need for DCCCD workgroups to be characterized by trust, integrity, honesty, community, mutual respect, collaboration, and other similar qualities. I think we all applaud the pathway he has chosen, and would like to work in such an organization, and yet, at one time or another, most of us have experienced working in an unpleasant environment where trust was minimal, if it existed at all. So, how do we get from there to our desired state of a trustworthy organization and trustworthy colleagues? How do we even agree on a common meaning of the word, “trustworthy”? There are ways to arrive at that meaning, but I think that our best bet is to begin with the basic idea of developing and/or re-building relational trust. Trusting relationships in the workplace do not require that we become best friends, or that we hang out together. They do require all concerned to be involved in fully knowing, openly discussing, freely negotiating and then, willingly agreeing to meet each other’s overt and covert expectations. Most damaged relationships, even in our personal lives, are the result of short-cutting this process. Most “good” relationships could get better if we use this process. Without this process, we begin making erroneous assumptions, resenting “imposed” agendas, questioning motives, and wondering what went wrong. The relational trust-building process must be intentional and initially, it requires a real time commitment. These important conversations cannot take place in the hall, or the workroom, or even over lunch…and obviously, the covert expectations will be the hardest to discover, and the most difficult to discuss. If you want more information about how to begin the relational trust-building process, just let me know. Otherwise, try it on your own. If you do it with consideration, no harm can be done. Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 9-1-06 Memo #12: Expectations Human Relations Principles / Skills Ombudsman Observations Here are some more thoughts on expectations and relational trust: Sometimes, we have worked together just long enough to make assumptions about each other’s behavior. These assumptions can turn into positive or negative expectations. If I am typically very verbal in our meetings, then you begin to expect that I will continue that behavior forever. If I am typically appearing to be bored, amused or disinterested, then you begin to expect that I will continue that behavior forever. If I am known to be a critic, cynic or pessimist, then you will come to expect that attitude and those behaviors from me. If I am consistently helpful to others, or always uncooperative, you will label me as such and respond to me as if that behavior is who I really am. Often, when we have chosen roles/behaviors such as those above, it becomes very difficult to rise above them, even if our perspectives, moods, attitudes have changed. Wouldn’t it be fun to radically alter a group’s dynamics by behaving in new ways that are contrary to our “reputations?” What if I chose to be helpful, positive, or thoughtful? What if I decided to be less critical and more constructive, more upbeat and less moody? Suppose I chose to affirm others by acknowledging their existence instead of waiting for them to make the first move? If you try making similar changes, there is no guarantee that your colleagues will respond in ways that you prefer. You know that you have no control over anyone else’s behavior. I can guarantee, however, that you will feel more at ease once you know that circumstances and other people cannot cause you to behave in ways that you would choose for yourself. You always have the power of choosing your behavior…and therefore the power of creating better expectations. Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 10-10-06 Memo #13: Quiet Human Relations Principles / Skills Quiet: An Essential Condition for Repairing Relationships Whether we are faculty members, administrators or professional support staff persons, we will occasionally experience undue stress or tension in our work relationships. The fast pace, high standards and ambiguous expectations of our workplaces can pile on to our natural personal differences, creating the perfect storm for escalation of arguments or accumulation of resentments. Most of these storms are minor, and by using common sense and forgiveness, we manage to work things out in a way that may ultimately not only repair, but even improve relationships. Some, however, spiral downward to a point of no return. To avoid this unhealthy outcome, I am suggesting today that we consider allowing QUIET to become our first line response to any perceived slight, insult, neglect, or inequity. By no means am I suggesting a lack of assertiveness on anyone’s part; to the contrary, I am suggesting QUIET as a way to remember the tenets of assertiveness. QUIET time can be a temporary holding cell for our fight or flight impulses. A brief period of QUIET gives our common sense time to emerge. A few seconds of QUIET will give us the opportunity to be totally curious about our antagonists, perhaps seeing causes or reasons for their behavior. A moment of QUIET will help us to recall and act on our relaxation mantras, if we have them. Most importantly, QUIET, when applied to voice tone… or, in the case of email, word tone… enables us to confront differences in very civil, respectful ways. If we cannot do this as we go along in our daily interactions, there is little hope of rebuilding and maintaining damaged work relationships. So…why not experiment with a pause, some QUIET, and a realistic hope for reconciliation? Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 2-20-07 Memo #14: Affirmative Civility Human Relations Principles / Skills Quiet: An Essential Condition for Repairing Relationships Several years ago, Studs Terkel wrote a brief essay about his concept of “affirmative civility.” I don’t have a copy of the actual essay, but I remember its essence. To paraphrase from memory, Studs said that the main thing a person wants from other people is acknowledgment of his/her existence. As reasonably intelligent people, we all know that without that regular acknowledgment, our hearts and minds sink into isolation and loneliness…causing emotionally stable people to feel sad, depressed, and angry. Those who are unstable, like the Virginia Tech. shooter, could and sometimes do resort to desperate measures of revenge or of self-destruction. There is a very simple but elegant way to begin creating an environment where our DCCCD students and staff could feel less alone and more connected. Let’s all try to take the initiative in extending a friendly overture to everyone who passes us in the halls, rides with us in the elevators, stands with us in lines, sits beside us in meetings or classes, or who confronts us with problems at our counters, in our offices, in our classrooms. Some welcome overtures would be smiling, nodding, shaking hands, asking a friendly question, high-fiveing, offering a generic greeting such as “hey”, “ what’s happening”, etc. The key to affirmative civility is that each of us is willing to assume responsibility for making the first move…not waiting for someone else to speak first or smile first. Another important piece is to overcome the shyness associated with extending yourself to people who might not make eye contact, or who are totally immersed in their ipods or cellphones. It is always a surprise to see a person who looks unfriendly or even surly, suddenly coming to life when you insist on acknowledging his/her presence. The most difficult part of being affirmatively civil is that you make a choice to behave this way without expecting anything in return. This is the only way it will work. Simple and elegant…try it, you’ll like it. Dr. Bettie Tully, El Centro College, 4-23-07 |